To Each Their Own Trigger

What triggers you?

Being seen by people my age at school

Talking to people

Being in a small group discussion with nothing to add

Being in a small group setting where everyone needs to say something

Posting a picture on Facebook

Posting a picture on Instagram

Going to physio

Going to a ballet class

Exercise

Stretching my quads

Not being able to sleep

Picking out a poster

Making an aesthetic choice online

Having intense feelings

When people you don’t know smile at you

Going to a hockey game

Posting anything on social media

When people look at you with lust

Thinking confident thoughts

Being worried about something

Being asked on a date

People telling you that you’re beautiful

People that don’t want to be friends anymore

Someone looking at you with hate

People hanging out without you

Someone asking you to undress (for example, at a spa)

Getting a bad grade

Someone telling you that you aren’t trying hard enough

People laughing without you

People asking to hang out with you

Doing your make up

Shopping, and trying to decide between a selection of things what to buy

Criminal Law

Forensic Science

CSI Simulator games

Power outages

Storms that shake the house

When you host an event and nobody comes

Pain in your body (such as a stomach ache)

People watching you to see what your reaction will be to something negative

Eating in front of people

Eating something rotten

When people seem offended and you don’t know why

The Bible and Bible book names

Being uncertain of how people will react to something you do

Glee songs

Someone expecting you to learn something quickly and you not getting it

Getting a headache

Not wanting to do something you know you should

Trying to be more organized

The word, “motivation”

 

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Expectations and Despair

Trying to study with lots of expectations coming from other people can make it even harder to focus.

Now that I’ve secured a job in my field, I’m stressed out about my marks even more. In addition to that, I haven’t been able to find the tutoring and support that I crave. I wish that it were easier to find a tutor but I go to a small University.

The Christmas break didn’t do much to revitalise me. Other breaks don’t really help very much either. I guess taking time away from what I am doing isn’t the solution. It’s more so dealing with the feelings of residual inadequacy that have accumulated in small pieces over a very large amount of time. Feeling like I can’t do this, and like I should give up.

I think I’ve started to believe in myself less and less. It’s as if having other people believe in me more makes me believe in myself less. At the same time, if someone tries to tell me they have low expectations for me, it makes me sad. Overall, I think that having other people even monitor what I am achieving is hard for me. It’s sort of like when people who have body image problems don’t like it when people tell them they look great because they don’t want to be reminded that other people notice what they look like and think about it. At the same time, they also don’t want people to say that they look bad. Overall, they would just like people not to even notice what their body looks like.

I think it’s the same way with me and grades. I don’t want people to see that part of me. I don’t want them to comment on whether or not they think I have good grades.

My Sexual Assault Story

If you haven’t already read this book, go read Speak by Laurie Halse Anderson.

I had tried to be a professional dancer, but it didn’t work out because I was very inexperienced, emotionally numb, and very much in trouble with my body. I had injuries that weren’t healing, no matter what I did. To be truthful, I didn’t follow doctor’s orders, mainly because it was too hard to remember and to think about. I didn’t want to accept I was injured. Looking back, I realise now that I should have talked to people about how sad I was to be injured, and I should have read books about athletes with injuries, and learned about what that process has been like for others.

I decided to see this massage therapist because I was desperate. I wanted to heal so badly. I knew better because I knew something was weird about them, but I wanted to do anything and everything to fix my body. It meant that much.

I go to this person house. They hurt me from behind while I am turned around. I notice there are skulls in the basement, and I don’t ask much but feel scared. Strangely, they put the heel of my foot against their vulva (female massage therapist), while they are sitting down. I ask them to stop because I felt very uncomfortable with that. I didn’t see it coming because they were wearing clothes. They complained and got annoyed but replaced their body part with their feet. Things proceed, and I feel a very strong sexual vibe in the air. They leave so I can get undressed on the table. I set up my phone video camera because I felt like something was off. I was too scared to leave, and I didn’t think that I could get out if I tried. I was in someone’s basement, and they could easily lock me in their house or beat me up. I only remove my top, because I felt very uncomfortable.

While on the table, they pressed their vulva once again on me, this time against the side of my right buttocks. They grinded against my leg while they massaged my back with their hands. Eventually, while I was laying on my stomach, they brought my hand behind me up to their chest, so that my hand touched their breasts, and pushed up and down against them. Sort of like I was caressing them without meaning to. I asked where my hands were, and they didn’t give an answer. Only that many other people became disoriented during a massage and didn’t know where their body parts were.

I left feeling very scared. All of a sudden, many things changed for me. I was way more nervous, but the reality of the assault didn’t sink in until three months later. It was a hard time. The anniversary of this event is Feb. 24th. I’ve heard that many sexual assaults take place in the weeks following Valentine’s Day.

After the event, I told a counsellor. This counsellor threatened to hurt me if I ever told anybody else about this because they were worried about the massage therapist’s career and reputation. They said it wasn’t assault, and that they were great friends with the massage therapist.

I told another counsellor. They first believed me and said it was assault. Afterwards, once I revealed who it was, they took back their statement and said that it wasn’t assault, and that that person had done the same things to them. That the only bad thing this person did was not ask me for permission beforehand.

The first counsellor told me that lots of genital and breast touching were normal for this type of massage therapy because it was experimental and different than what people normally do. They showed me pictures online of other clients and therapists, and truly, there was a lot of physical touching and contact. Way more than I had experienced with the many other massage and physiotherapists I had been with in the past. I’m too scared to search this type of massage therapy up on the internet again. Mainly because I don’t know its name, and I don’t want to look at this person’s website. Also, because I don’t want to be told that genital and breast touching is normal, and to subsequently feel assaulted all over again.

Afriendship

People often talk about asexuality or aromantic feelings, but nobody seems to talk about people who don’t have the desire to be friends with other people.

It doesn’t mean that you are against friendship, that you are broken, or that you wish to be friends with people. It means that you simply don’t have the feelings of kinship that other people feel. You still have friends, you still maintain support, but it doesn’t mean as much to you as it might to other people.

In particular, I don’t like the idea of a lone wolf. Mainly because lone wolves tend to invoke this idea of isolation. They are a creature that chooses to be alone because they want to be alone. While that might be a good thing, I think that people who are afriendship might be a bit different. They don’t mind being with people, and they can have friends on the surface. In the same way that asexual and aromantic people can still have meaningful relationships, such as a non-sexual relationship and or simply a friendship. Afriendship people can have relationships to fill a void. A social need for another person at a party, or people to support you with projects. Someone to talk to so you don’t feel watched by everyone else.